My weight battle (with pictures) long post.

Hello my loves,

I hope you're all doing really well.

I have been thinking about writing this post for so long but didn't really feel so confident about it, but I decided everyone else is putting up "weight loss journey" videos, blog posts and what have you so I'm going to bite the bullet and do it. This might turn into a long post so please be patient with me. My blog is a big part of my life and if I can help someone then I will be happy. So here goes and please if you have any nasty comments (which I haven't ever had on this blog everyone has been so kind to me) please keep them to yourself, ok? Yes I got really big but nobody has the right to say nasty things on my blog.

Growing up, I was always a really slim girl, my dad's genes were really good my grandad was tall and slim, my dad was the same and so is my brother. My mum has always been curvy and I inherited her shape as I got older. I got picked on a lot at school because I had horrible teeth which I later sorted with braces, I had to wear glasses and I was always the tallest slimmest girl. I grew tall and matured with breasts before most girls in my year and some years above me. When I reached 15 years old I was 5ft6 which is when everyone grew above me and I've been 5ft6 ever since. I stayed the same size throughout school which was a curvy 10/12. After leaving school and going college I had a real hangup on my body, I would always say I was fat when I clearly wasn't, I was a size 10, everyone around me said I was skinny but I couldn't believe them because I have body dismorphia. I'm not going to lie here, I have had eating disorders. I couldn't eat for a long time and when I did eat I would make myself sick. Sometimes it comes back and when I eat I shake and it scares me, I try to force myself to eat and my body just rejects it and I get so full so easily. I lost lots of weight walking everywhere and being active trying to look nice for my first boyfriend. My mother demanded I went on the pill because I had a steady boyfriend and I was in love, then I put on weight. I felt horrible my belly had gotten bigger and I just started to feel blah and depressed so I had to lose the weight, I had eventually come off of that pill because it made me really unwell and went on a different one which didn't have an impact on my weight at all.

Anyhow fast forward a few years, I didn't really put much weight until 2007. I had all the men I could handle because I was this tallish bubbly skinny young woman. I started work doing this twilight shift working from 5-10pm and I met my now husband. We fell in love but his diet led something to be desired, he was picky it was fast food and junk. We'd sit and eat so much junk and go to the cinema with tons of popcorn and bad goodies. I didn't put on too much weight and I was a healthy size 12/14 which is my ideal size, but then the worst thing happened. My dad died, I couldn't eat once my dad died, I dropped a stone quickly because I couldn't handle the pain of losing him, I slowly started to get better and put weight on again but I didn't just put the weight on that I lost I had ballooned up to a size 16/18 we went to Florida and I think everyone knows what you do in America, you eat junk and boy did I. I've always had a pretty big apatite and there I was in my element, I could eat massive piles of junk and I wouldn't feel bad because everyone else was doing the same as me.We even went to a water park and I can remember saying "I don't feel like I'm fat anymore with the size of her legs" but you'd think that would have been enough to sort me out and make me lose weight but it didn't. We carried on having takeaways quite a few times a week, I had a massive drink problem, there wasn't a day when I didn't drink because I was so unhappy. He proposed to me in Florida and I of course said yes. I wanted to lose weight so I didn't have to be a big bloated mess on my wedding day but I just gave up, I didn't have the energy because I was quite big. I couldn't walk places without getting tired. I'd gotten so comfy in the relationship and it was a "well I've got him now, I'm married I don't need to bother looking good anymore" but I secretly inside hated myself and I couldn't look myself in the mirror without crying. I would say to him I want to lose weight and I did, I joined slimming world and I lost just under a stone in 6weeks which was amazing, but I stopped going because he said it costs too much etc. I would always say I'm so fat and ugly and he would say "well only you can do something about that" but when I asked if I could buy DVDs for weight loss at him he would say no because they were so expensive etc. He just didn't offer me the support and kick up the backside to say "do something because I'm worried" his aunty told me about these diet pills, which sounded perfect, they suck the fat out of what you eat, perfect. I could have takeaways and still lose weight?!? perfect right? NO. I won't tell you the results this had on me. I did lose weight but I wasn't eating better and they just stopped working.

Fast forward to this past year. My marriage was at breaking point, we both knew just neither of us had the courage to say "It's over" I tried to push him away so I could breathe but he wouldn't go and then he decided he was leaving, at which point I was just glad, I was more sad to lose the Xbox than him. But the stress started to roll in, I had no money, no job and I was left to it "sink or swim" he told me. Of course I didn't eat a proper meal for 3months, I couldn't it was just bits and bobs to shut my tummy up for an hour. I dropped a lot of weight and went from a 18/20 (depending where I shopped) to a 14/16 in a fast time. This I was happy about it meant I could sell off all of my clothes and feel/look better. I did look better but I didn't look the way I wanted to because I wasn't eating properly but I wasn't exercising either. I basically sat there wasting away, I'd gone to such a dark dark place and I thought that was the end for me. But then I met Jack (I'm always mentioning him in my posts, because he's awesome) and he helped me, we were both going through a tough tough time and he told me I needed to start eating because I wasn't doing myself any good. He offered so much love and support to me and I quickly got better, instead of putting all of the weight back on I have kept it off. I'm doing zumba and I'm doing much more like walking to college instead of spending £1.50 on the tram. I have to thank him so much because he wasn't ever scared to say "Joy just do it". He is the kind of man I wish I would have married instead of my own husband, because he can be hard on me but I just know that means he cares about me.

I won't divulge how much I weigh, I don't feel comfortable talking about that stuff still but I tried on a size 12 top yesterday (one that I haven't fit in since 2007) and it fit me, it wasn't tight or anything. Like I mentioned before, I've always had big breasts, but when I put weight on they obviously ballooned and I still find it hard to find tops that fit over them. I still have a way to go, I have to tone up my tummy, but I have stretch marks and in a way I'm so glad I do, because now when I think I'm fat or anything I can think to myself "no you're curvy, you used to be fat" I've cut right down on my drinking because that was a huge part of the weight issues, I'm still losing weight and fitting into things that I couldn't before. I feel like I finally am starting to look sexy again. Like I said I have a way to go, but Zumba helps, so does college. I have other things to focus on. I'm going to be the woman I want to be and I will never let myself get into that situation again. I can now run up the stairs without almost having a heart attack at the top, I can walk to the shops without feeling everyone is looking at me. And as for my panic attacks, I know I look better now, so all the attention I am getting seems to be good now. I'd say my body type right now is a an "hour glass" and I'm going to be honest I love it, I love that I have hips I'm ok with that. Marilyn Monroe had hips and she was stunning. I'm taking it easy, but in the new year I'm going to shift the rest of the weight. There's not much point going on a massive health kick right now because it's Christmas soon and we all know that we eat a crap ton of unhealthy stuff at Christmas.

I hope you're all still with me and here are some pictures of me from the past and present. 

This is me back in 2000 and 2001 size 10/12

This is me at my biggest on my wedding day, with my mums boyfriend who gave me away. I was a size 18/20

And these are the most recent pictures of me. I'm now a 14ish on top and 16 on the bottom due to my big hips lol.

I know I still have a way to go but I wanted to show my progress, in January when I start really dieting I will take before pictures, I didn't have any before pictures of myself from this year because I didn't expect to lose weight, it just happened.

Again, sorry for the long post I just had a long story to tell.

Peace, love and happiness